Happy New Year! Bon Aña!

You may or may not have noticed that I failed to produce a blog last month. It was a busy time for me. I had three concerts in one weekend and coaching for Ainadamar had started.  Every musician can empathize with the actual chaos of the Christmas season, never mind one with an ice storm moments before.  I could barely keep up with my sleep schedule, let alone find time to write a blog.  But the truth is, I was stuck. I couldn’t think of anything to write. I wasn’t sure if anyone was listening or if anyone really wanted to know what I had to say.  I didn’t know what to say and the more I tried to come up with something, the more my mind went blank. Now with the coming of the New Year, I’m a little stuck still.

My grandparents and I during a New’s Years celebration. Judging by my hair, I think I was 19.

I have a lot of expectations for myself. I expect to excel in academia, to find a job in my chosen field and to be a professional performer. In my personal life I have maybe aspirations, more than expectations, for who I want to be and who I want to share my joys and sorrows with.  When my expectations come up short I berate myself as if it were a personal failing.   I used to be told by family and friends, and it has remained a comforting mantra that consistently runs across my brain, is that “I’ve never failed at anything I’ve set my mind to.” But that’s not true. I fail all the time. There are roles I’ve never gotten, jobs and interviews I’ve never even been considered for, love that has been lost, and a number of other things that haven’t panned out the way I wanted or expected. I wish I had something more enlightened to say about it, but really, it just sucks. Especially coming of age with the rise of social media and seeing everyone’s curated life on display. I sit here in my shoe box of an apartment, with my cat, realizing I have become all of the stereotypes of single woman on her own. But when I set down the expectations I used to have for myself and the perceived expectations I feel society has for me, I realize, I’m pretty happy.

I had high hopes for my 30th trip around the sun…Covid had other plans. This was January of 2020.

More than happy. I am fulfilled. Of course I have my dream job outlined.  I know how I’d decorate my home, what I’d plant in my garden, where I’d put a wine cellar. I know the kind of person I’d like to share it all with.  But even if none of that happens. Even if nothing turns out the way I expect it to, I know that I am sustained by the journey, cliché as it sounds.  How can I disparage the hills and valleys of my past, when it is because of those very experiences I am alive and thriving as I am today? It’s easy now, writing down, to be able to place everything in context. But for almost two months, I couldn’t see through the fog of my thoughts, and not being able to see or think straight made me panic. You have to take one step. Turning on music when you can’t bring yourself to get out of bed. Making the bed when you have too much to do. Putting your fingers to the keyboard and typing until something make sense. Or maybe it won’t make sense. Maybe when you make your bed you cat or dog or children have other plans. Maybe when you type you ramble for paragraphs.  To quote Sybil from Downton Abbey, “it’s doing nothing that’s the enemy.”

“You’re my baby. I’m your mommy. You’re my baby. I’m your mommy.” -Louise Belcher

What do we do as we approach the New Year? Come up with a list of expectations and resolutions to complete? Forgo expectations and just “live in the moment”? I will forever be an over thinker, so neither option seems feasible for me. I think the one lesson I’d like to take into 2023 is to not tie my expectations to my worth as a human, and when I do feel low and unworthy, to not self-isolation and spiral into my own dark thoughts. For the year 2023, the word JOY will be my mantra. In the good and the bad, I will try to reflect on each experience through JOY. What lessons will you bring with you into the New Year? What will be your word for 2023?

I wish you nothing but peace and happiness as we ring in the New Year. I hope what ever sorrows you hold, you can lay them down for a moment, and whatever joys you have, can carry you into 2023. Bon Aña.