A Love Letter to St. Paul's — Erin Leigh Koolman

It started with a flyer on the bulletin board outside the office of the IU Voice chair. I wrote an email, I drove to Indianapolis, I went to the completely wrong building, but somehow found myself in front of Brad Hughley singing Schubert’s “Im Abendrot” and sight-reading for life through Episcopal favorites that I had never seen before in my life. I can’t tell you any more about that first year. I fully blacked out. I remember not understanding how the sing the psalms, something I still sometimes stumble through. I remember not understanding the hierarchy of the clergy, which I still say without confidence. Priest? Pastor? Wizard? But I do remember the love.

My St. Paul’s fan club after an Ainadamar show

How is it somehow seven years later? I was so insecure and just terrified to be so far away from everything I knew. More than that, I had spent years questioning my faith and not really being able to nail down how I felt. But you had my back through every academic and personal hardship and you quickly became the family I needed. I still have questions of faith and the universe, but you taught me that is was ok to not know. As Sarah always told me the “opposite of faith isn’t doubt, it’s certainty.” I’ll tell you this though, I never felt closer to God than when I was singing with you.

Dec showing up to sing come rain, snow, or Covid

You gave me some of the best friends of my life. And for fear of leaving anyone out, I won’t list them all, but I would be remiss if I didn’t highlight the love I have for Sarah Ward. Our friendship is full of joy and unhinged laughter. We can make a whole back story for the geese that terrorize Indianapolis and then pivot to a deep conversation about what it truly means to show up for your community with Christ’s Love. Thank you for making pointed eye contact with me across the choir and for always, always having my back when I second guessed my talent and leadership. This is far from the end of our story, but I have to say it. I love you with my whole heart and my life is brighter because you are in it.

Treble Staff Singer’s at Ely Cathedral 2024. From the left: Elizabeth Ewigleben, Kyle Walker, Sarah Ward, and ME!

To the trebles and teens. I am in constant awe of your talent and commitment. More than that, your love and respect for each other gives me hope for the future. Of course, could I do without the boys saying everything is “sigma,” always, but the professionalism you show when it’s time to work is inspiring. There are plenty of adults (side-eye) who could benefit from working with you. Singing is so personal and so vulnerable and you get up every Sunday to stand up in front of the congregation to lead them through God’s Love through music. You are going to change the world.

We sing and then we celebrate. Brad and I are accidentally twinning.

My Altos. I almost said “alto 1’s” and I hope Sarah will give me a little grace as I claim the “2’s” as a part of my own for a paragraph. Thank you for teaching me what pointing means in a psalm. Thank you for always fixing my academic hood, even if I poke a little fun about it, in that moment it does remind me how much you’re watching out for me. Thank you for trusting me to lead and for being the best section in the choir. (Just ignore that last one STB’s)

Singing at Evan and Summer’s wedding 2023

Brad. I hope you don’t mind, but I will forever refer to you as my friend and mentor. In a world that still asks women and women of color to climb twice as high and run twice as fast, you acknowledged the gift I have and literally stood out of the way when you called upon me to help the choir vocally succeed. I don’t know how to say good-bye to you, Amy, and Katharine, so I won’t. When you asked me to clarify a vocal need in Lady Chapel I literally lost my breath, because all I could think of was how proud I was that you trusted me in that ancient space to help your choir fulfill your vision. These are experiences and emotions I will carry with me throughout my life.

Leading the Trebles and Teens through warm ups at Corpus Christi College in Cambridge, UK

I have to stop here. If I don’t, I will write until the sun rises. If I don’t stop now, I’ll fully dissolve into tears. If I don’t, the next chapter will not begin and the universe doesn’t wait forever. I love you. I’ll meet you in the music.

Love,

Erin